difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. The irony is that people who dont want you to remember are the most likely to use their own recollection of things to their advantage. I was strict NC with him for a really long time but even that became a non issue as time went on. Believe them. If you are a Mayo Clinic patient, this could Always follow your instincts. Do yourself a huge favor: dont try to make him more than he is. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). What if? Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that youre secretly harboring a grudge. In any case, I can sympathize with the trauma you must have gone through with such a parent. I still get triggered and I still walk around on eggshells. When I said I wouldnt be staying with her anymore, she laid it on thick about how I should forgive, that I wasnt Christian, that families forgive, etc. I was having a real rough time in my life a couple of years ago and attracted about 5 different personality disorder types into my life(including NPD). Ive kept my head held high, hid behind a smile and time has made it easier but boy has he spread some lies about me. I feel right about not replying to him. "Often, we'll find ourselves avoiding someone that we have resentment or an unresolved issue with," Habash said. Too awkward whether its going well or going down the tubes. Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. I would never ever let someone treat my child with disrespect or disregard. hll get the message! Are you a good person? I go long periods of him not crossing my mind then bam, it hits,& I know I still have anger & disappointment towards him. Asses dont tend to use protection. Im the same. I promise you that woman holds grudges. Thats what happened. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. Thank-you all 4 your replies. And the question was, how many times should I forgive MY BROTHER, suggesting a close current relationship, not exes. , Revolution- Thanks for your understanding and patience with me as well. I have gotten two jerks out of my life this year and now I have my own concerns more at heart. What we fail to realise in these situations is that remembering the past or certainly having an awareness of the the types of situations and behaviours that ping our boundaries and are at conflict with our values isnt the same as holding a grudge. 4th ed. Since the break up months ago I have remained silent (of course they want you to do this) but I just cant be bothered to state my case anymore. I told her she was already forgiven but that I still was leaving and wouldnt stay as a guest of someone who thinks that them being annoyed means they can slap me. Thanks for reminding us of that . When it gets to close 4 comfort they disappear into the night. Thank you Courtney and Lizzie. My story in short: Met my AC 3 years ago, and over the course of our on-off relationship what I found the hardest to handle was that he was cozying up to all my close friends, and appropriating my family of friends as his own. AAAArrrrggggg!! They always tell you who they are. Not that youre planning to be persuaded by him, but remember his wanting to be friends is code for sex. He friended me on FB in Sept (seemed innocent enough Ive been to his house a few times), and just messaged me to suggest we go out. Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. "Consider talking about the problem so that you can feel comfortable with them again.". The person isnt going to (maybe cant) repay his debt to us so trying to collect the debt is futile. But he actually destroyed my confidence by denying me affection, respect, and appreciation and was deaf to me.completely stone deaf. In a 2021 analysis, researchers examined why we hold grudges. Youre stronger than you think!!! It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. Its driving me a bit crazy! You knowbasically the opposite attitude of what Ive expressed in a lot of the comments Ive made about people whove wronged me in my past. But, same thing happens, again and again. Wanted to see whats going on. Toxic people, narcissists, and passive-aggressive people know they are hurtful. I hated myself, but there was a thrill and fascination Id never experienced before. Of course you can forgive them, but theres no need to find them as the relationship is over. Just wanted to clarify. When we hold a grudge, we. I wrote this before I read some of the other posts about forgiveness. Just meet some one else fast. I know I have to make a 100% break because its painful to laugh and joke or get into stimulating convos over the phone when I know that he doesnt want to see me because hes avoiding physical intimacy. It helps to train the mind and associate pain with the thought so hopefully you have less thoughts in the future. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. There usually seems to be some very black and white ideas that people have about forgiveness and what it entails. YESSSSSSS!!!! There is a problem with And had my attempts at making everything better by telling him I forgive him or Im over what happened were ALWAYS (not once, but at least 67 times) interpreted as me wanting to get back together. But I realized that there was good reason, and that he was snatching my safety net from under my feet pushing me away, while pulling my closest friends towards him. I FB-stalked someone who lived miles away. It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. I dont like all the negative nasty thoughts I have pretty much all the time. Please trust yourself. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. Grace, you were right it was big let down. Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will get vengeance for this and key her car. I am genuinely sorry if I have upset you by my behaviour. Feeling assured he aint a bad man assclown who messed me up.because im plesant to him. Keep strong, dont rethink anything. NC is your most powerful action. Its a matter of being able to forgive, but not forgetting. Thats the tricky part. Maeve, thank you. Lol. Improved self-esteem. As a result, choosing men with different faces, names, but always recreating patterns of familiar childhood abuse. It does no logical good M3tal_Shadowhunter 1 yr. ago It's not about helping anyone. I hadnt even realised it was there. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. We can have good boundaries on one thing and ridiculous ones on something closely related. I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). Fortunately, I am was emotionally sober enough to realize that he was just trying to manipulate me into letting him do whatever he wants despite the torture it puts me through. Theres no reason for him to think otherwise, anyway, because Ive been a stellar companion. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. Order your copy (link in bio)#baggagereclaim #boundariesarehealthy #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #recoveringpeoplepleaser #healthyrelationships #thejoyofsayingno. Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Mothers who REALLY love their children, anyway. Of course I didnt get it because he knew he could control just from the promise of a crumb. I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. Thanks Tinkerbell! Vindication? Are you sure it wouldnt be an excuse to stay connected? i feel so upset, becasue i am lonely and frustrated without intimacy in my life, and its hard to move forward. Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. I would love you to write a post on this Nat. The responsible thing to do is therefore to withdraw from new guy and other dating prospects. Bless you for your response. you wont because youre wise and loyal to your friend but I wonder how many others of her friends he has managed to do this too. But forgiveness isnt always possible in every situation. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. Well, dealer seems different, maybe he never wants to live that way of life either. Sandy- my daughter felt the same w my ex AC. He must have said something to her because she is now very reserved with me. I couldnt seem to break free. Lets call sin by its name, shall we? Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. But manipulative and controlling and trying to use the reset button. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. I feel much better for having gone ahead and done this because it needed closure in my own head and only I could give that to me, by taking action and hoping to christ that I was enough of a different and stronger person not to fall into the same trap again. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. It's impossible to ask for forgiveness from a person who hasn't. I was totally mesmerized. I am paralyzed even after all this time with a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Im interested in using the past and holding a grudge and how that affects how you interact with people today. The flow on from that was years of self inflicted low self esteem because, although part of me could see how silly and unintelligent the people I went to school with were (are! I like cheeseburgers, but I no longer eat them because theyre not good for me. I would kill myself before I would let ONE day go by with my sons wondering if I loved them. Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive. Say no to blaming yourself for who people are. Of course, thats easier said than done.Forgiving doesnt mean you forget what happened, or that youve decided it wasnt actually that bad. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. Getting It!- I havent gone to any of my high school reunions as I dont remember high school as being a happy time, havent kept in contact with anyone from high school so what would be the point? My sister said well, call herShe said, I did. x, Hi JustHer and thanks, isnt it funny that this is how they think, that they have such selective memories in how they treated useverything he did was how Natalie has said it would go so instead of being blindsided it was like an aha momentI refused to be his bit on the side so out came the friend card lol onwards and upwards for all of us!!! My friends of fifteen years became his friends too, and I did not know how to handle it when he would decide that the relationship was off. I was taking care of my daughter, who was really myself. A stronger immune system. When I knew someone was treating me with disrespect and disregard, it helped me to think about myself as being my own daughter. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site. NC is brilliant. And I didnt. Sometimes, you may find that youre holding a grudge even if youre doing so unintentionally. We weigh in on the toxicity of those who don't understand boundaries and whether holding a grudge. Thanks. Then you think you can trust yourself, this time. I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. Until you may not have a choice but to stop. I did a thing where I didnt make a scene about my anniversary, hoping people close to me would gather around without a script. It brought back every bad feeling I ever had when I was a little girl. I want to contact him less frequently. Dont make excuses for this idiot! My prayers for you continue. Im also afraid of my friendship with the new guy becasue i am vulnerable (although I have never not been vulnerable) and I dont want to get myself in another situation like with the ex and I feel by being with him it makes me more frustrated since hes not the right guy but i could trick myself into being with him. These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger sometimes even hatred. We can remember without ill will. Grudges are toxic to relationships. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. "Think about how much emotional threshold you have towards most people even annoying ones," Owen said. If the grudge is something you find yourself thinking about very often, try using a physical technique to get your mind back on track. It simply means that youre choosing to move on. I neglected to include that he waited until I was already deeply involved with him to tell me he was married 4 times. Lol, Grace! Im still confused tho Nat. He got the ego stroke or attention he was after. I dont know if hes being serious or if hes trying to seem masculine. My bad! If one day you wish to talk to me again, do so. If you want a master class in forgiveness, marry someone with ADHD. P.S. He deserves a guilty conscience. You know you need to stop. She told my sister she hasnt heard from me. Theres a saying, What you resist persists,and its true. We were friends last year and then ended up in bed on new years eve and I was willing to try the relationship again, but he said he didn;t want to, that I destroyed his soul the last time we were in relationship, becasue I was honest with him about his behaviours. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. Yoghurt- Thank you. Rakel D, ed. Note to self: I dont want him in my life and thats okay. I was sexually abused by a family member on her side, and instead of protecting me, she wanted me to be quiet about it to keep the peace. Dysfunction happens often in families where there is substance or alcohol use disorder. Closure? and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". However, I have a pattern of putting up with snarky, toxic, hostile behavior from acquaintances. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. The word "rancor" means: Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will and it is a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past: Example: They cheated me, but I feel no rancor towards/against them. Your child may not see him in the same way as you and children (especially boys) do have a strong need to be around their male parent. Each time I had to be around her she would say, whats wrong? The Golden Rule. she should just walk away whenever he approaches. Synonym for grudge Grudge = Feeling of hatred/anger Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will hold a grudge forever! and promotions on our books and products! Validation? Holy cow he just broke up with me 4 days prior you hope Im doing great???? To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Thats just circumstantial. What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. Better late than never! I am to a point responsible for my looks, my lefties opinions but I am not responsible for this town though I truly wish to change it to something that functions. Ive been there. I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. Not an easy road, but doable. Absent father ect The support & encouragement on this site is priceless , That is great advice. Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. Yeah, right. I am deeply sorry for what you are going through,and although you dont know it now you can survive and pop out the other end of the dark tunnel into a new and better light. I was so wrong. Like my mother for example? Tinkerbellif I had been in your situation where I gave my heart, Id have to go NC. Theres a contingency there. He did you a favor by telling you, he couldnt do relationships, but you didnt listen when they give you this gem of info. If we issue a blanket ban on meeting that way, youre left with online dating and randoms. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again. My ex never took drugs, lazed around drinking beer in his undershirt and never even hit me. The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. . Its a set up! Youve already been supportive to me and I really appreciate it from you and all the others. We, too, forgive one another even if the other person didnt earn it. Cant say I get no bites at all, now! Mymble Exactly how I felt when I left the abusive ex, like a stone had been lifted from my heart. Absolutely true! He can protect his own ego by staying away from me and working on improving himself as I move on. Narc with more baggage than an airport. Click here for an email preview. You'll soon start receiving the latest Mayo Clinic health information you requested in your inbox. I would rather keep complete NC and not see him at all, rather than the nice and polite act. I tried to be friends with him again this year. Link in bio.#recoveringpeoplepleaser #recoveringperfectionist #codependentnomore #healthyboundaries #narcissisticabuse, Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. You might need to deal with him in relation to your child but you can do that in a business like pragmatic way. Take some time out from dating, so that you can move on from the ex in a healthy way. I said thats just what you say about me. See (jumping in as someone who got themselves messed up over church teachings on religion), my 2ps-worth: Forgiving people is an action, feelings are just feelings (although if you entertain vengeful manky feelings youre being unloving towards yourself, and should stop). information and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of ", When you think about them, your feelings are negative, "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at, told INSIDER. As much as I felt blessed to have run into man from high school and as much as I wish I had known him better then, Im still content to say no to high school reunions. I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. I'm Not Holding A Grudge, I'm Setting A Boundary. Thank you. Frontiers in Psychology. This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here. He was beyond hurtful and I just kept hoping and waiting and hoping he would make room in his life for me. What a bullet you dodged. , Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. information highlighted below and resubmit the form. Do you think I am using the past bad situation to colour my impressions of this guy? Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. Elsevier; 2018. https://www.clinicalkey.com. I have learned to protect myself, and deal with her effectively. Its fire, not the moon! Narc with more baggage than an airport. The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network. One night the devil made me do it. He told me quite a lot about himself and his issues. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. Write a reverse thought that sends the power back to you (for example, if youre focusing on your exs harem, write about how there is nobody who is exactly like you in the world. That doesnt work, and so I was pouty. Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs. The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. My point is that we have instincts we must follow whether it is about the guy or about our ability to be within the relationship or both. And not to take me out either, but asking if I would take him out. They think in black-and-white terms. information is beneficial, we may combine your email and website usage information with and the terms "ill will / feelings" mean: Bad feelings between people because of things that happened in the past. I am well aware of the working definition of forgiveness and what it means and doesnt mean, especially in Biblical terms. I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. He came over to chat like an old friend and I introduced him to my friend. That matured my arse up real quick. It is constantly holding something over another persons head, not letting them recover from a past failure. And yes, it is very much like an addiction. Martinez-Diaz P, et al. In the end, I didnt go to the reunion. Its finally over. I am filled with anger although we have very limited contact. For some reason even though he said this and some other things that I found questionable, I am really drawn to him. Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! It takes time and effort and SPACE (emotional space) to look at our relationship patterns so as to eventually be able and willing to have an honest conversation with ourselves. Knowing what sorts of things might mean that you're holding a grudge, even if you don't think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. Once I sense a romantic partner is bad news, something changes inside and I cant be with them. "Often, grudges come from an intentional or unintentional betrayal," Kasey says. Took a few years mind. You cant squeeze blood out of a stone. Vengeance- An action of revenge or payback. Once he understood he was going nowhere with the playful sexual innuendo in my case as I was not taking him seriously, he became the intense, serious friend who wants to sleep with you but not lose the friendship. So, in that case, we would forgive them by letting go of resentment and vengeful thoughts, but we would also get away from them so as to protect ourselves and our OWN spirituality (lest their bad attitudes/behaviors rub off on us). Bottom line: God loves us all and wants us to love each other and get along. . Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. I am very up front with him too. My ex told me to stop treating him like a stranger and that we should just be nice to each other erm, you cheated on me and abused me physically and emotionally HELLOOO!?? Grudges can go from being minor (sibling rivalry, healthy competition) to borderline dangerous (thoughts of harming someone or seeing their demise in some way). I asked my friend what she thought of him very pleasant and charming but with an eye for young women. Spot on! Improved mental health. 10 Signs That A Guy Wants You Just For Sex, Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married/Attached Man, Overlappers: When they start a new relationship just before your breakup, Miss You, Miss You, Oops, But Im Not Getting Back With You: When Your Ex Says They Miss You But Youre Still Broken Up, Letting Go of a Relationship That Doesnt Exist, Uncover, unpack and declutter the emotional baggage thats holding you back in 5 short audio sessions, Get to know yourself on a deeper level and learn my simple yet powerful emotional decluttering methods, Put healthy boundaries in place and start being more of the person you really are. I am VERY happy for you. I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. Your explanations about why something is inconvenient, or abusive, goes in one ear and out the other.